New Year's Resolutions for Cats

Ever wondered what promises you cat may want to keep? Here are a few ideas…

The new year may already be starting to feel a bit old, but this list of New Year’s Resolution for cats was just too funny not to pass on. Enjoy!

• I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

• I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink’s drain.

• I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see I’m getting plenty of roughage.

• I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

• I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

• Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

• I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

• I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

• I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

• I will not intrude on my human’s candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

• I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

• If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

• When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts – and my scream scares my human.

• When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

• Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

• I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

• The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

• Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don’t have to act as if I’ve just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

• I will not play ‘dead cat on the stairs’ while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry – or else one of these days it will really come true!

• When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

• I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the bedroom floor trying to do sit-ups.

• When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock.

• Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

• I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing a new board in her computer.

• I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

• I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

• I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

• The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

• I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding) off the fridge and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

• I will learn to relax at the vet’s so they will start writing things in my records like ‘Good kitty’ and ‘Sweet kitty’ instead of ‘MEAN!’ ‘BITER!!’ and ‘GET HELP!!!’

• I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2am to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

• If I must give a present to my human’s overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach… even if it isn’t as tasty!

Images sourced from: Mauriceo and Catfood Recipes Online